the 5 types of apologies (and how to give a good one)

Why repair requires more than “I’m sorry”

We need better repair skills. Skills that many of us are sorely lacking, having never had them taught or demonstrated for us.

But without the necessary healing after harm, relationships are being damaged beyond repair. We either stumble through half-assed apologies or avoid them altogether. We protect our emotional immaturity and fragile egos, preventing our vulnerability from joining the conversation. All of this dysfunction leads to rupture, disconnection, and silence between people who love each other.

And while not all relationships are meant to be mended, we can still practice these skills for the ones that are.

So let’s practice how to give a good apology.

Apologies can be hard. But they're essential, and we're lost without them.

Before we go over the components of building a really good one, let's cover the different types of apologies we might encounter, or maybe even give ourselves.

*It’s important to note that these types of apologies exist on a spectrum, and can even be blended together. This spectrum can range from emotional immaturity with good intentions, to emotional or verbal abuse.*

The 5 types of Apologies

1.

First up is The Non-Apology. This is the complete and utter lack of one. The harm is never addressed or repaired, or you might even be gaslit. Everyone moves on like nothing has happened. Maybe they’ll buy you a gift or take you to your favorite restaurant as a way to “make it up to you”, and this is their non-verbal attempt at acknowledgment.

Apologizing can make emotionally immature people feel powerless. This approach allows them to maintain plausible deniability as well as the status quo, all while pressuring you to just move on and "get over it."

2.

Next is The "Dismissive/Defensive" Apology. They’ll say they’re sorry IF or BUT:

“I’m sorry IF that hurt your feelings”

“I’m sorry IF that was your experience.”

"I'm sorry BUT I only did XYZ because you did ABC first"

In the case of the IF's, the harm has already been communicated and expressed, so there is no IF.

And when your apology is followed by a "but," everything else that follows is apparently more important than being sorry. The presence of "but" negates the entire apology.

This type of apology avoids any acknowledgement of the impact of their actions, as well as the accountability for being responsible for the harm they’ve caused. This kind of apology implies (or explicitly states) that any hurt feelings are the victim's own fault.

3.

Now let’s talk about “Are We There Yet?” Apologies. These come with the transactional energy of

“I’ve said all the right things, so can we move on now?”

or

“I’ve already apologized so why are you still upset?”

This type of apology is a different form of dismissal. They may acknowledge the harm and take accountability for causing it, but they are unable to hold space for any lingering emotions or the time it may take for real repair to happen. They expect the apology to fix everything magically, or make the harm disappear as if it were never there.

4.

This next apology is what I call The “Self-Soother" Apology. This type of apology comes with justifications and explanations of what their intentions really were. They may acknowledge their unintended impact and apologize for it, but their main focus and motivation is to be seen and understood by you, rather than trying to see and understand you. They need to prove they are still a good person both to you and themselves. Their effort is to seek validation that you are not upset with them. They often do not have capacity to hold space for you if you are. Their anxiety motivates them to “fix” from a place of insecurity rather than care for your pain.

5.

Finally, we have The Real Apology. It may not be executed perfectly, but this type of apology acknowledges the harm that was done, whether intentional or not, and takes accountability for it. They hold space for your feelings without rushing you to feel any differently, and they make a plan to repair what’s been broken. The most important aspect of what makes a Real Apology real is the change that gets embodied and implemented. An apology without changed behavior is manipulation. A Real Apology facilitates repair and growth, and rebuilds trust that may even become stronger than it was before.

So, how do we learn how to give a REAL apology?

Old patterns can be difficult to break, especially if no one has ever given us the proper apologies that we've deserved.

But a solid apology can be broken down into steps that are simple to put into practice.

You might not get it right on your first try. It only matters that you keep trying.

How to Actually Give a Good Apology

1.

The first step is to Name The Hurt or Harm. Repeat back to them, without minimizing, what happened. Express that you understand they were hurt, and why. This can sound like

"I joked about something sensitive to you, and you feel humiliated."

Or

"I dismissed your bids for connection and you feel ignored and rejected."

The point of this step is to show that you've heard them and see their perspective. Speak plainly, even if you're ashamed. It's important not to shy away from the damage or pain that you've caused if you want to be able to heal from it.

2.

The next step is Accountability. This is where you take responsibility for your own actions, and the impact they had. You don’t have to take responsibility for intentions that you didn’t have, nor do you need to defend what your intentions really were. But you do need to own up to your impact. Allow them to see that you understand how your words or choices affected someone else. It is important that this does not include any excuses or justifications.

This sounds like

"You've made it clear what kind of jokes you are comfortable with, and I crossed that boundary. I should not have spoken so carelessly without thinking about how you would feel."

Or

"It was up to me to put my phone down so I could give you my undivided attention and hear what you were trying to say to me."

The importance of this step is that you recognize that no one else is responsible for you but you.

3.

Next, it is important that you Express Regret or Remorse. Say you're sorry. Let them know that you care about their pain, and that you regret hurting them. This sounds like

"I am so sorry that I exploited a vulnerability of yours. I never want to make you feel unsafe around me."

Or

"You are more important than what's on my phone, and I'm sorry I didn't prioritize you in a moment you needed me."

However, it's very important to make sure this doesn't become more about YOU and your guilt, than it is about THEM and their experience.

4.

Then you must Commit to Change: This step is for letting them know what changes you'll be making in order to avoid this conflict in the future. This sounds like

"From now on I'll refrain from making jokes at your expense in front of other people."

Or

"Next time I will be better about giving you my attention when you're speaking to me."

5.

Finally, Hold Space. Allow them to respond however they need. Do not rush them into forgiveness, or expect the apology to fix everything. Make space for their emotions, even if that's uncomfortable for you to sit with. Show them that their pain is not too much for you to handle.

This is also a good time to become curious about whether or not there was anything you missed, or if there's anything they need from you going forward.

Of course, the ultimate final step is embodying the change, and letting your actions speak for themselves. Without any change, the most perfect apology will still do more harm than any good.

You probably won’t need an in depth apology like this for every situation. But depending on the extent of the damage, you may need to apologize and take accountability more than once.

This is not to be confused with holding something over someone's head indefinitely, never to live it down. But rather an emphasis and reassurance on your part that you are sorry and willing to repair with them, whenever they are ready.

As you practice giving better apologies, remember that you might not get it right, right away. When emotions are high or situations are tense, it's even more difficult to show up for our loved ones as our best selves. But if we give each other grace and keep trying, more healing will happen than if we never tried at all.